Things Lt. ‘Skippy’ Virtue is not allowed to do
While wearing the Spandex
Captain Integrity survived a complicated nuclear/biochemical/gravity wave/mystical amulet accident years ago, gained superpowers, and set to enhance the rule of Law on Earth. He banded together a number of superheroes into the Integrity Corps, to protect the innocent, to harbor the weak, and to rescue the threatened (and to vote Republican). They have since saved the country, the planet, and All Life in the Galaxy more than once. His dedication, skills, and inventiveness in the use of his and others’ superpowers have been an inspiration to several generations.
Lieutenant Virtue, however, serves in the Integrity Corps more on the reputation of his father than on personal merit. Several times, Blake Blakerson (Captain Integrity’s secret identity) has had to counsel his son, Skippy, on small behavioral errors made while aiding the Corps’ efforts. The bulk of those counseling sessions is provided here, in the hopes that other heroes and heroines may benefit from Skippy’s experiences.

  1. Am not allowed to purchase whoopee cushions and say the other superheroes farted again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
  2. Arming the defense system with a molecular deatomizer and with nuclear ray guns when door to door evangelicals approach: BAD IDEA
  3. Bringing people with a time machine from the Stone Age and arming them with guns is something a supervillain would do.
  4. Can’t use Army units as practice-bots.
  5. Cannot fuse Steel man and Armor man together with heat vision.
  6. Cannot reenact medieval times where I rule in danger room even though it is fun.
  7. Cannot release ‘Snap, Crackle, Mutate’ breakfast cereal with the Integrity Corps logo.
  8. Cannot take people out of the insane asylum just because I am looking for a fight..
  9. Cannot tell the insurance company that health physicals rob me of my superpowers.
  10. Cannot use the transporter to create unholy super creature
  11. Cannot violate the Rules of Engagement just ‘cause he started it.’
  12. Cape surfaces are not to be made available to advertising companies.
  13. Defeating evil is more important than assuming a dramatic, but tactically stupid, pose for the cameras.
  14. ’Free donuts on Thursday’ is not a way to attract children to the Integrity Corps
  15. Frozen hardened malted milk balls are not weapons
  16. Girl scouts are not to be added to the Headquarters threat matrix.
  17. Guns are not the only way to solve things.
  18. Heroes try to subdue; villains try to kill. Write this down.
  19. I am not invulnerable to Pop Rocks and Coke.
  20. ‘I wanted to see what would happen’ is not an excuse for routing Trick-or-treaters to the Danger Room.
  21. ‘I was bored’ is not an excuse for anything involving a time machine, a sidekick and the Age of Dinosaurs.
  22. I can’t arm the defense system with rabid living care bears.
  23. I can’t join the dark side even though there are free doughnuts and dental plans.
  24. I cannot make robots of super villains and say they penetrated the base and are attacking the fridge full of Coke even if I am paid 100,000,000,000.
  25. I cant go back in time and make a superhero my sidekick
  26. I cant rewrite danger room computer programs to make the simulation easier to people who say “Skippy rules.”
  27. I should stop teaching kids to mind meld.
  28. I should stop telling kids that Mighty Mouse is my other hero identity.
  29. I shouldn’t make swiss cheese with an automatic rifle. Especially while it’s still in the supermarket fridge.
  30. Innocent bystanders are not to be used as shields.
  31. It is wrong to attract sidekicks by asking “want some superpowers little girl?”
  32. Making objects animate to be your slaves is not good , they will eventually rebel against you.
  33. Must not refer to the populace as ‘puny humans.’ Especially while in my Secret Identity.
  34. Must not set the training room to Half-Off Sale at Filene’s. Someone could get seriously hurt.
  35. Must not summon Cerebus to help subdue supervilliains, as he will also eat me.
  36. Must not tie up traffic by use of heat vision, freeze rays or a pavement-stressing combination of the two.
  37. Must not use sidekicks as collateral on Poker Night.
  38. If I do lose a sidekick on Poker Night, not to try to mutate a superchimp to replace him.
  39. Mustn’t bribe the Army.
  40. “My evil clone did it” isn’t an excuse when my DNA prevents cloning.
  41. No matter what Elvira offers, I cannot join the side of darkness.
  42. No one cares WHY my frat house is on the moon; they just expect me to bring it back.
  43. ‘Not the face’ is not a battle cry.
  44. Nor is ‘not the groinal area.’
  45. No one is the absolute ruler of America, and I should not proclaim myself as such.
  46. Not allowed give the police Arachnid guy’s secret identity when they ask for a descripition.
  47. Not allowed to fight evil while drunk.
  48. Also, not allowed to fight evil naked.
  49. And, historically, my choice to fight evil with a hangover has been proven to be sub-optimal.
  50. Not allowed to give powers to children and in the middle of flight, take them away.
  51. Not allowed to imitate James Bond and go have smooches with the villains assistant after every mission
  52. Or with my cute ally
  53. Not allowed to take time off from Corps duties in quest of the perfect Margarita.
  54. Not allowed to use Doctor Chaos’ quantum chamber to age wine, cheese, or jailbait.
  55. Not allowed to watch ‘Chucky’ movies on duty, as you turn on all the lights at HQ and keep waking up Power Pal to ask if he heard something.
  56. Not to add nuclear capability to the TV remote.
  57. Not to fly down and buzz people on the way to work.
  58. Product placement is for movies, not fights against super-villains with press coverage.
  59. reading from the Necronomacon to stop a pickpocket is like smothering a fire by bringing down the moon
  60. Sidekicks are not to be bought, sold or traded…especially if they are not my sidekick.
  61. Skippy may rhyme with trippy, but that’s no reason to experiment with LSD.
  62. Slapping new sidekicks and heroes upside the head is not allowed…if there’s anybody watching.
  63. The Corps MasterCard is to be used for reconstruction and emergency purchases, not pizza delivery to the scene of a crime.
  64. The Danger Room is not a holodeck, nor should I spend valuable training time ruling the virtual kingdom of Skipveria.
  65. The Gamma Chamber at Corps Headquarters is to be used to recharge Professor Radium, not as a walk-in microwave oven.
  66. The less said about the ‘velociraptor incident,’ the better.
  67. The Neutral Zone does not exist and I should stop threatening to send children there.
  68. The president does exist, I should stop telling kids he doesn`t.
  69. ‘The red phone’ is used ONLY for emergencies,not crank calls.
  70. There are such things as innocent bystanders.
  71. They don’t care if Mighty Mammoth made faces at me; I should not have tied his trunk in a knot.
  72. T-Rex is a poor choice for a mount in populated areas.
  73. Tying String Man in a knot is not advised. Using him to wrap parcels is right out.
  74. Upon discovering the secret lair, we should call the cops before raiding the bad guys' fridge.
  75. Using a mirror to blind the guy that stays in shadows is not good.
  76. Using daddy’s authority to boss heroes around is not good. He knows where I sleep
  77. Using daddy’s ID to get beer: BAD IDEA.
  78. While the world may need vending machines with artificial intelligence, they do not need such devices to employ lethal security measures.

    Update, December 2004
  79. The ability to lift an ambulance does not make me a paramedic.
  80. it is wrong to interrupt Eulogies with reports that your superpower (x-ray vision, super hearing, smell, sonar, etc) examination of the coffin indicates that the deceased is still dead.
  81. No one is interested in what material my underwear is made out of.
  82. The phrase ‘in a blaze of glory’ should be used at funerals and press conferences, not planning sessions.
  83. superhero volunteer vigilante adventurers cannot file work complaints with OSHA.
  84. This is a fight to apprehend criminals. You can’t ask ‘the ref’ for a decision on another fighter’s actions.
  85. Turn off the propeller on your hat.
  86. When they say "over my dead body" i should assume it's hyperbole until proven to be literal, not the other way around.
  87. When they want you to sign a contract in blood, they’re probably not good guys.
  88. Wrong to tell Warp Woman she has exceeded her daily limit on whining.
  89. Not allowed to paint ‘I’m with stupid’ on the windshield of the Integrity Car.
  90. Not to put a ‘no radio’ sign in the window.
  91. Xylophone music is not required in order to fight the skeleton army of Corporal Doom!
  92. Yes, there really are such things as innocent bystanders.
  93. Knowing how to burp fire and NEEDING to burp fire are two different things.
  94. And now we know, it’s not always the red wire, is it?
  95. Don’t hit a man with glasses, even to prove a point.
  96. Never stare at the bomb in jawdropping shock. It eats up valuable running time.
  97. No longer allowed to quote Matlock, Jessica Fletcher, Scooby Doo or Spaceman Spiff at crime scenes.
  98. Not allowed to flood the subway tunnel to put out the fire.
  99. Of course Toyman’s weapon ‘looked like a toy.’ Everything Toyman makes looks like a freaking toy!
  100. Real men certainly do set for stun.
  101. Stop referring to the auxiliary units as ‘redshirts.’
  102. Stop telling The Avenging Amazon that violence is not the answer. It’s her only answer.
  103. We don't negotiate with terrorists. Neither do we play a hand of blackjack, betting getaway vehicles against their hostages.
  104. What’s with the ‘saved the world and all I got was lousy t-shirt?’
  105. Not allowed to tease Hair Woman.
  106. Not allowed to bait the Trout Team.
  107. Not allowed to steam Captain Flame.
  108. Aftershave is not to be applied with a flame thrower.
  109. Flatulence is not a super power, no matter what decibel level is achieved.
  110. In the future the words ‘shoulder mounted’ and ‘nuclear’ are not to be used together in the description of any crimefighting gear.
  111. Not allowed to copyright witty quips made in combat.
  112. Not allowed to rush onstage and save the girl from the Rat King…that’s the Nutcracker’s job.
  113. Not allowed to write ‘Superior Example of Humanity’ on any form containing the words: Work History; Previous Employment; Educational Background or Business Loan Application.
  114. Radium Girl is not to be used as a reading lamp.
  115. They’re IVY league schools…stop telling Team Elephant that Harvard is smuggling ivory.
  116. Not allowed to order an Illudium Q36 Space Modulator from supply.

    Update: April 2005:
  117. Not allowed to rag on The Superior Scarecrow.
  118. Not allowed to badger The Deep Burrower.
  119. Not allowed to spur NightHorse on.
  120. Not allowed to get on Blue Neuromancer’s last nerve.
  121. Not allowed to inconvenience the 7-11 Kid.
  122. Not allowed to jerk The Jamaican Chicken around.
  123. Not allowed to fret the Guitar Brothers.
  124. Not allowed to pull The Colossal Caterpillar's leg. Legs.
  125. Anyone know why the Integrity Car was on ‘Pimp My Ride?’ And how?
  126. Nasty Girl is not a superhero, nor on Super Probation, and cannot be allowed into Integrity Headquarters.
  127. Not allowed to check Doctor Chess.


This list was inspired by the list 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army. which has appeared in various places and been sent to me in more than one E-mail. My kids, wife and I made this stuff up, and we hope you enjoy it, and the original.



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Any suggestions for improvement, or Skippisms to include, tell me Here.