Things Skippy Clause can’t do on Christmas Eve

Santa’s Son, Stephen “Skippy” Claus, has been slowly developing the skills he’ll need one day when he takes over the family business. Over the past 100 years, he’s been taking over more and more of the Route each Christmas Eve. With the advent of electronic toys, CD ROMs and DVDs, Santa has been more than ready to turn the entire operation over to his son. Last Christmas, Santa rode along with his son on a final audit of his abilities. Between notes taken on that flight, reports submitted by the elves of the Sleigh Crew (Flight and Flight Support), Letters to Santa, and complaints filed by the Strategic Air Command and Federal Aviation Administration, the following list has been generated. These are guidelines the young Claus must comply with prior to assuming the reins and sack of the position of Santa Claus.

Things Skippy Clause can’t do on or in preparation for Christmas Eve:

Children getting a pony for Christmas get the whole pony. As a side note, The Godfather will no longer be shown on Polar TV.
Either give gifts or don’t. No leaving lists of ‘what you would have gotten if you weren’t such a prat all year.’
Empty boxes of batteries with ‘Batteries Not Included’ stickers are not nearly as funny as one might think
Giftwrap depicting a Santa Claus as a black man must be very, very carefully used, especially on the Alabama run.
Girls on the naughty list get coal in their stocking, not lingerie and a phone number
Cannot arrest children for not believing in us.
Musical instruments should be distributed based on the child’s interest and/or ability, not on the parent’s predilection to migraines.
Must not leave exciting toys in the hearth, inciting children to reach through the flames.
Must not visit Christian households and leave essays on the pagan history and symbology of Christmas, proving that kids are gonna burn in hell for having a Christmas Tree.
Must not visit Jewish households and leave lists of presents the kids might have received if they were not descended of Christ Killers.
My job description is not to ‘winnow out the weak.’ With that in mind, high explosives don't go in stockings.
No dancing in the Sleigh.
Fishnet Stockings will not be worn, even if not visible under my suit.
Not allowed to buzz livestock during deliveries to rural areas
Not allowed to buzz the Distant Early Warning Line during periods of international tension
Not allowed to distribute toys that are not part of an existing line of production (ie: Slut-Puppy Barbie, Section 8 GI Joe)
Not allowed to feed chili to the reindeer.
Not allowed to take the sleigh through the drive-up window, even if it’s ‘on me.’
There is no excuse for the use of a bullhorn while in transit through a chimney.
Not allowed to shout ‘We’re Taking Phaser Fire!’ and rock back and forth in the sleigh.
Not allowed to act out Monty Python routines in flight.
The Sleigh lacks cruise control, autopilot, mini-fridge and in-flight toilet. Plan accordingly.
Not allowed to have pizza delivered to where you think you’ll be around 11:30.
Reindeer can fly. You cannot.
Not to wear the Easter Bunny costume while delivering presents. Or the pumpkin costume. Or the Cupid suit. Or the Leprechaun suit…
Not allowed to have the Reindeer do the ‘wave’ while standing on a roof.
It is wrong to leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets stuffed in the tree.
Not allowed to replace nativity scene figures with Hellraiser® action figures. Pinhead is not ‘the coolest magi ever.’
We do not need ‘Pink Panther Theme Music’ playing during deliveries.
The teachings of Sun Tzu have little application in delivering Christmas presents.
It is wrong to slip pornographic photos in amongst the Christmas cards during your visits.
Stop switching the Hanukkah and Christmas decorations between houses.
Stop gluing the Christmas tree to the ceiling in houses below the equator.
It is not the policy of Santa Clause to ‘clear the room’ before entry. Give the grenades back to the 101st Airborne and get on with the route.
Reindeer can fly. You cannot. No matter what you’ve been drinking.
Not to leave clothing in the size the recipient ‘should be if you weren’t such a fat bastard.’
It is wrong to leave gifts for a mistress at the home of the gentleman. Especially not gifts with the wife’s name crossed out and the mistress written in.
We do not offer advertising space on the sleigh, reindeer, or wrapped gifts, nor do we drag a banner behind us through the sky. Yes you have to give back the money.
Not to act out TV commercials, like the time you left the Giraffe in the house of the Toys-R-Us CEO.
Never, ever, ever leave DVD collections for movies that have not been filmed yet. Temporal anomalies are not ‘way cool’ gifts.
The extremely low population density of the ocean time zones should create slack time to be used in the more populous zones. This advantage is lost if you spend time looking for all the good little submarine boys to leave gifts for.
As a point of interest, there is no chimney on the submarine. All the gifts you tossed in the snorkel got shredded by the diesel.
It is REALLY wrong to use gift tags that say ‘To whoever…all you (insert ethnic) kids look alike anyway.’
Getting the elves to make ‘cloud angels’: Bad idea.
Not allowed to risk Santa’s 501(C)(3) qualification as a non-profit organization by broadcasting political messages during flight.
Reindeer can fly. You cannot. No matter what you’ve been smoking.
Yodeling in the chimney: Bad Idea.
Stop erecting mosquito netting around the Christmas Trees.
N fireworks in the Sleigh. Not never no how.
No fireworks launched from the Sleigh, either.
You are not being followed whenever you leave the Pole. Loose the disguise.
Not to deal with obstacles by calling in an air strike.
Not to leave astrologers lists of gifts they would have gotten ‘if Mars were not in retrograde.’
Not to have a boombox providing a laugh track, background music, or funny sound effects during deliveries.
Santa seldom has a need to assemble a super-cool weapon from normal-seeming articles of clothing.
Also, funding for ‘Q’ Branch is immediately rescinded.
You have to climb down the chimney. Stop assembling an elven ‘away team.’
Seat belts in the sleigh: Good idea. Airlock? Not so good.
What ‘fine print?’
Not to attach ‘I fly with Stupid’ button to Dasher’s harness. Comet does not think it is funny.
Not to move the ‘I fly with Stupid’ button to point at someone besides Comet.
We invoke the spirit of air to make the Sleigh fly. We do not invoke the spirit of yippy little goddamned dogs to keep the ankle biters away during deliveries.
‘Action Figures’ should be selected based on points of articulation, not points of entry.
It is wrong to enhance my codpiece for dramatic effect.
The rules against unionizing here also apply to forming a Guild Hall.
Stop adding the notation ‘forbidden zone’ to the maps at random.
We do not subcontract deliveries to swallows, whether they are African or European.
Not to watch Monty Python movies in flight, either.
Not to throw elves over the side if they don’t know their favorite color.
Still not to watch Monty Python movies in flight.
Not to ask ornithologists to explain flying reindeer. Especially in lecture.

Update: 18 November 2004
You work one day a year. The fact that we make you work on a holiday is not a subject for a grievance.
There is no need to station an elf ‘at tactical.’ Santa does not return fire.
I don’t care what you ate, gastrointestinal problems do not constitute a fire hazard.

Update: 27 November, 2004:
It is wrong to force the elves to sing the ‘hi ho hi ho’ dwarf song.
Don’t give kids unbreakable toys…it merely gives them a tool for breaking other toys.
Stop tailgating. Collisions at these speeds are not ‘dramatic fun.’
No we do not need a moat. And… are those crocodiles?
It is wrong to use explosives ‘soften a room’ before entering.

Update: December, 2004:
not allowed to write your name in the snow from rooftops. Your aim sucks even without crosswinds and a slippery platform.
Elf Bowling is a particularly tasteless online game, not a training video.
It is wrong to give the third-world nationals an Illudium Q36 Space Modulator without knowing what planet they want to blow up with it.
What do you mean, your ex-wife get’s half the presents made by the elves over the last two years, or the monetary equivalent? Where the hell did you find your divorce lawyer, the Y’?
Suicides do not actually increase at Xmas, they just get more attention. But fact or fiction, we do not leave Kevorkian Kits under the trees of the unstable, the depressed or those without decent cable service.
Stop pulling into pet stores and asking the attendant for Deer Chow® for the reindeer.
Do we want to know why there is a restraining order against Santa Claus for the greater metropolitan area of New York City? And why Blitzer and Cupid are also named in it?
Not allowed to bring alligators back from the Florida run. The elves love them, I know, but they don’t do well in the climate.

Update: April 2005

The Sleigh is never to be on ‘Pimp My Ride.’ And it’s THREE ho’s, not one.

Things not to say when you hear little children sneaking out to spy on Santa:
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
So many stockings, so little coal.
Take your dirty hands off me, you lousy miserable elves!
I can never get a good grip on these newfangled cattle prods.
Mazel Tov!
IT’S LOOSE!! RUN!
What does 'Environmental Hazard' mean?
I don't understand. It should be dead by now.
I wonder where the critter's mother is...?
MILK? Don’t they know Santa’s Lactose Intolerant? That’s it, they all get CLOTHES!
IT’S GONNA BLOW!!!

Things not to do during appearancees at the Malls:
Reference to the children in line as 'worm.'
Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish.
Not allowed to accessorize the Suit with a monocle and a riding crop.
Nazi accents are SOOOO not Christmas.
Tell kids that the free candy cane is the limit for Christmas gifts, this year.
Not allowed to clutch your chest when the fat kid sits in your lap and shout ‘MY PACEMAKER!’
Not to have children ‘fire walk’ before they sit in your lap.
Stop telling kids that he’s named ‘Donner’ because of what he was forced to eat to survive one winter.

Update: April 06:

If the US Marines won’t let you deliver presents to the Embassy, don’t argue with them.
Also, Marines do not get coal for doing their job.
Embassies are part of the home nation, but keep to local time. Landing on the Embassy roof at 2 in the afternoon because it’s midnight in D.C. is going to get you shot. Again.
“I’d like to give the world a Coke” is an avertising jingle, not our mission statement.
No, the sleigh would not look better with STP decals and a racing stripe.
Anyway, reindeer are not NASCAR approved.
Not allowed to mimic John Belushi when delivering gifts. This includes charging Illinois Nazis, sneaking horses into administration offices or flying over Los Angeles looking for Japanese bombers.
I don’t care if you won the Dwarf Toss, don’t take elves on a pub crawl again.
Not allowed to let kids roll a d20 to select a gift from the Treasure Table.
Yes, you must wear the traditional Santa suit…
…and take off the coconut cup bra.
I don’t care how many tricks it knows, the polar bear can’t ride in the sleigh with you.
Reindeer rodeo: Bad idea.
If I ever catch you selling reindeer jerky on ebay again…
Stop telling the flight crew the toy bags have to fit under the seat in front of them.
The sleigh does not HAVE a cushion, it may not be used as a floatation device. In case of a water landing, you’re SCREWED.
Not allowed to brand the reindeer. It’s not like we can confuse them with the other herd of flying ungulates.
A nutcracker is a great gift for a little girl, but ONLY in a MUSICAL performance.
Not to put classical music CDs in Boy Band CD cases in an attempt to educate teen listeners.
Not allowed to confiscate MP3 players with illegally downloaded music.
Not allowed to unwrap presents already under the tree as an ‘audit.’
Riverdance homages on rooftops is not a truly well thought out idea.
It is far better to avoid police involvement than it is to attempt to bribe an entire precinct.
Not allowed to tell the security guard you have ‘a clue’ in the bag for him.
It is wrong to wire a transponder to the sleigh and screw up O’Hare’s flight pattern. O’Hare has enough problems.
Don’t tell the elves that Blitzen has converted and needs Kosher oats.
There’s a reason the sleigh doesn’t have a roll bar. Stop trying to roll the damned thing.
We’re not American, nor are we associated with the American government. Handing out Christmas Gifts does not put us in violation of the 1st Amendment.
…and take those ‘Happy Solstice’ tags off of the toys.
It is so your fault.
Gift Bombing Runs – baaaaaaaaaad idea.
Not allowed to kidnap Brad Pitt as someone’s Christmas present, no matter how cute her letter to Santa is.
Not allowed to kidnap Scarlett Johansson, no matter how cute she is.
Do not give IRAs to dogs that are of ‘working’ breeds.
No, we don’t need a tailgunner.
Why would need a bombsight on the sleigh?
No, a flamethrower would not improve sleigh navigation on foggy nights. That’s what Rudolph is for.
Whaddaya mean, not any more? What happened to Rudolph?
Why is Dancer named in a lawsuit from the National Zoo?
That’d better be oregano.

This list was inspired by the list 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army. which has appeared in various places and been sent to me in more than one E-mail. I made this stuff up, or had help.theme.
I hope you enjoy this list, and the original.

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Any suggestions for improvement, or Skippisms to include, tell me Here.