Dedicated civil servant Elfled has been observing and learning the skills to survive in the US Federal workplace for some years. Having encountered the enormously helpful Skippy list (both original and in various incarnations) she was inspired to contribute a version for the Federal workplace. In the process of surviving dissolution, merger, reorganization and creation of government departments and agencies she has compiled the following list of helpful information from things witnessed and/or more or less forcefully impressed on her over the years. Careful observation of coworkers, management, and the general public as encountered by government workers has resulted in an evolving list, kindly hosted here, for your edification.

  1. I may not tell employees which of my co-workers will actually help them.
  2. I may not tell employees which of my co-workers are useless to them.
  3. I may not stand behind co-workers making faces and pointing in order to hint.
  4. I may not laugh when told that someone has not returned a phone call.
  5. ...and I must never say “‘oh really?” in a sarcastic tone regarding same.
  6. I may not say, "sucker!" under my breath when offering to take a message.
  7. I may not tell employees to take it to someone’s supervisor, and then provide name and number up the chain.
  8. ...even if I stop short of the President.
  9. I may not come to work whenever I want as long as I ‘work all my hours’.
  10. ...even if half the people in the office are allowed to.
  11. When the network goes down it is not time to play solitaire.
  12. When the network goes down it is not time to go home.
  13. I am not to ask what it is time for when the network goes down.
  14. Paper airplanes are not communications devices.
  15. Knitting at my desk makes it too obvious that I am not busy enough, even if I am ‘just trying to be productive’.
  16. Concern about productivity is above my grade level.
  17. Claiming to be knitting blankets for the troops is not an excuse.
  18. I really ought not to point out an employee's rights to them and encourage them to seek legal counsel.
  19. Entry withheld until after retirement to protect the....well, not the innocent, that's for sure.
  20. I am not to spend 'too much' time talking to employees and explaining things to them.
  21. I am not to seek clarification on exactly how much ‘too much’ is.
  22. I may not tell applicants if they cannot figure out the application they probably cannot do the job.
  23. I may not request that someone speak English.
  24. ...especially if they think they already are.
  25. It is not recommended that I say 'duh' if someone asks if they have to be a citizen, when the announcement says: "Requirement: US Citizenship"-.
  26. ...in fact, I may not say 'duh' at all.
  27. ...especially not to co-workers.
  28. I may not ask applicants if they know how to read, though I may ask them if they have read the announcement, and when they say no, suggest they do so.
  29. I may not laugh at applicants who call up with conspiracy theories about how all of HR is against them.
  30. ...and I may not explain to said applicants that we neither know nor care who they are, we treat everyone with equal, err... impartiality.
  31. No matter what they say, I may not hang up on representatives of any agency, especially my own.
  32. When an applicant tells me that they are going to call their congressperson because they are unhappy that they did not get a job I must refrain from pointing out that 10,000 other people also did not get the job and they are not whining to their congresspersons.
  33. I must avoid sarcasm when pointing out that Dallas, TX is not in the local commuting area of Bangor, ME, even with a personal jet.
  34. I may not say, "liar, liar pants on fire" or any equivalent thereof to someone who falsified an application.
  35. ...especially not in writing.
  36. I may not tell someone they were just not smart enough to get the job.
  37. …even if it is true.
  38. I may not tell people if they want a government job to join the military.
  39. I am not to agree with people who are complaining about my fellow employees, particularly when I agree with enthusiasm and offer corroboration.
  40. I am not to try to turn in employees to Immigration, when they work for Immigration.
  41. I am not to assure indicted employees that they are innocent until proven guilty and of course the government as an employer respects that and will not fire them for being indicted.
  42. I most especially should not ask ‘if the government does not treat people as innocent until proven guilty who will?’
  43. I may not encourage employees to file FOIA requests.
  44. …or Congressional inquiries.
  45. I am not allowed to discourage them either.
  46. Entry withheld until after the author's retirement
  47. It is not nice to point out to nervous employees that the reason we do not evacuate immediately when there is a fire alarm is for fear of snipers.
  48. …or to point out to the same employees that we don’t even go into the hall now without being assured there are no gun-toting maniacs out there.
  49. …and I should not remind said employees that there are people just like us who work in this building and carry guns.
  50. I must not expect a strict relationship between reality and what supervisors say happened.
  51. I should not point out that the head of the Department looks ‘evil’.
  52. …and no, his picture is not a Halloween decoration.
  53. I must not tell people that I do not know anything because I am “at the bottom of the food chain.”
  54. Contrary to what I have been told by my mommy and my friends, my personal worth IS determined by my grade level.
  55. Being timekeeper does not entitle me to carry a swagger stick, or to remind people to submit their timesheets on time.
  56. Being timekeeper does not mean I can think about the data I input.
  57. Being timekeeper does not entitle me to extra time off or to free drinks when pay runs properly.
  58. I must do a better job of keeping a straight face when the boss says how wonderful her staff is.
  59. I should never do anything on my own initiative, initiative is bad, and someone will always feel that I have stepped on their toes.
  60. Outcome is less important than following orders.
  61. If people see me smiling when they tell me something, I should not inform them why, exactly, it is that I am smiling (they will be happier if they do not know, and so will I).
  62. I am to remember that the stupid probably cannot help it, but I should probably not tell people that is why I forgive them.
  63. “Stupid is as stupid does” was amusing in Forrest Gump but is not amusing here.
  64. When I cannot understand anything a coworker says because of an accent, nodding and smiling, punctuated by grimaces or laughs as seem appropriately clued by demeanor, are always sufficient to grease the social wheels; when on the telephone pretending that they are breaking up is always possible.
  65. Just because this is the US government I should not expect employees to speak English or an understandable approximation thereof.
  66. When responding to emails from applicants or employees it is never a good idea to copyedit their text.
  67. …and it is even worse to do that with communications from supervisors.
  68. Imitating the British civil service sense of propriety is not recommended: jumping naked out of filing cabinets is not ok, even if they do it (And oh, yes, they do).
  69. We are not on a mission from god, any god, not even the fuck-up fairy.
  70. It is possible, however, that the fuck-up fairy is our patron saint.
  71. Responding to coworkers’ flyers about prayer groups for the President or prayer chains for the troops by posting an invitation to a solstice celebration or a ritual for the troops’ safety is not recommended.
  72. When the office has been firmly reminded not to forward chain emails, and there are people in the office who think that because it is religious it is an exception, turning them in to the IT department is probably not nice.
  73. Feeling pressure or a sense of urgency about work getting done is a personal problem others may not share, and I must not try to make them.
  74. I may not be seen to be more efficient and effective than my boss.
  75. I may not help people circumvent unhelpful co-workers even if that is the outcome all parties involved desire.
  76. I should focus on workload management so that I am not in the position of running out of work and having to ask for more, thus possibly having a negative effect on the self-esteem of others.
  77. Reading government documents to stay informed can be counterproductive.
  78. Any indication that I read published government documents that are not directly related to my job can also be counterproductive.
  79. Sharing knowledge about regulations and where to find them will not encourage other employees to fend for themselves It will mean that fellow employees will identify me as a source of ‘help’ It will not mean that I have taught them to fish, but that they have learned where a fish fry is available.
  80. Thinking that my job as a government employee is to enforce regulations based on Federal law is a fundamental misunderstanding of the human resources role. HR is here to give managers what they want.
  81. It is not permitted to suggest capital punishment for incompetence.
  82. …or for any other reason.
  83. Entry withheld until after the author's retirement
  84. Shredding is not an alternative to filing, but it is not my place to point that out.
  85. Not allowed to engage in ‘creative problem solving’ if the solution is one that requires duct tape and a hiding place large enough for a body.
  86. No sleeping on the desk even if it might help ‘enhance the self-esteem’ of co-workers.
  87. No sleeping under the desk, even outside of regular work hours; saying you thought you felt an earthquake is only believable once, even in California.
  88. Filing is not meant to be a creative endeavor, and the alphabet is not negotiable, but encouraging people to think outside the box may result in having to explain that.
  89. I should keep in mind that the US civil service is largely composed of average Americans, and remember what average actually means.
  90. Acronyms have set meanings when referring to government entities and I am not to substitute other meanings for DoJ, DoD, DHS, CIA, etc.
  91. Not every acronym used in government-ese is standardized To some people EOD does not mean entry on duty, and to tell them they are going to be EOD’d on a certain date only brings to mind explosive ordinance disposal, and does not encourage them to show up.
  92. I can post anything in my cubicle as long as it is in a language no one else can read and I can lie convincingly about what it says.
  93. Answering the phone by stating the department and my name does not entitle me to think that people hear what I have said, and they can be relied upon to ask who I am and what office it is.
  94. When applicants ask me to tell them whether they qualify for a job before they ‘bother to apply’ I may not tell them that if applying is a bother, the job would be a bigger one so they should probably forget it.
  95. When HQ people visit the office I should not mention ‘how unusually nicely dressed everyone is today!’ in front of them. Comments about how hard people are working are also not encouraged.
  96. When an employee calls and has left more than one message, I am to restrain any urge I have to tell him or her the odds on a return call, based on for whom it is left. Hinting is also not ok.
  97. I should give up as hopeless the effort of telling people that anyone who answers the phone can help them. If they have called more than once they probably know better.
  98. I should avoid drawing conclusions about who is responsible for an error merely on the basis of years of observation, experience, and direct evidence.
  99. I should remember that who makes a mistake is not important, and neither is who fixes it, as long as it gets fixed.
  100. If it doesn’t get fixed it is still not important.
  101. Observations about possible solutions to long-standing problems are not welcome if they call for actions that will actually introduce substantive change.
  102. Entry withheld until after the author's retirement
  103. …though cosmetic change is fine and can be used as proof something has been done.
  104. If I have an aversion to being stared at for hours on end I should learn to be invisible.
  105. Requests for relief in a crisis are addressed immediately after the crisis is resolved, but pointing this out is ungrateful.
  106. If I do not appreciate personal remarks about my attire I should learn not to we- hmm… I should wear earplugs.
  107. Barbed wire at the entrance to my cubicle is not an acceptable defense of personal space.
  108. If I wish to contribute to positive employee morale, pointing out that Homeland is a word that sounds more like Fatherland or Motherland than it does like Land of the Free will not help.
  109. Intimidating telemarketers by asking them if they know that they have called the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT WITH THEIR FRIVOLOUS TIME WASTING should not be regarded as a selling point for working in this office.
  110. …and is not something to be mentioned in recruitment.
  111. …no matter how much I enjoy it.
  112. I am not to point out the characteristics various coworkers share with rocks.
  113. Timesheets are only rough approximations and should not be taken too seriously, and I should not worry so much about... precision.
  114. If the supervisor signs off on it, it is not my place to question.
  115. Understanding that broadcast messages go to everyone is not easy At least one person will feel compelled to forward it to everyone they think should know.
  116. When faced with a colleague who exhorts you to show his companion your brain, standing there with an open mouth is not the best, though it might be the most revealing, response.
  117. Competence is not our main concern, the main concern is, umm…what is the main concern again?
  118. Being late to work because of the weather is only an acceptable excuse if there is actual weather.
  119. When called into the Chief’s office the appropriate response is not “what now?”
  120. There are better ways to get someone’s attention than shooting rubber bands at them.
  121. …hypothetically.
  122. I must try and remember whom I work for, and while it might be the people of the US, technically, that does not put them in my chain of command, and they do not write my evaluation.
  123. Just because something is public knowledge (ie published publicly for the public) does not mean that I am allowed to tell anyone about it.
  124. I am to remember the less that I tell someone, the less trouble they can make, and the less trouble I will be in when they do.
  125. The fact that someone works for the government does not mean that they will be cooperative just because you work for the government, too.
  126. It must not be expected of an applicant that they will know what job they applied for.
  127. Entry withheld until after the author's retirement
  128. Entry withheld until after the author's retirement
  129. It is probable that not all political appointees are incompetent.
  130. Posting “Free Fire Zone” at the entrance to my cubicle is not “fair warning”.
  131. Citing regulations may be very satisfying, particularly when you are raining on someone’s privileged parade by doing so, but be prepared for blowback.
  132. My oath may be about defending the constitution, but I am expected to leave actually doing so to people above my grade level.
  133. Raising or addressing constitutional issues is not within my area of responsibility.
  134. Things that are not in my area of responsibility are none of my business.
  135. Contrary to what I might think, the problem with the government is NOT people who think that if it is outside their position description they ‘do not have to think about it’ and are ‘not responsible’ for it, and I am not a one person counterbalance to that.
  136. I should not think so much.
  137. I am to remember my job description, and my place in the scheme of things.
  138. Tattooing my grade level on my forehead can be arranged.
  139. NO ONE likes the Inspector General’s Office, and responding to the statement that they will be in my office with, “oh cool” is not appropriate, and will seriously disturb them.
  140. People who see the ‘big picture’ are extremely valuable and are not subject to petty concerns, criticisms and rules.
  141. Seeing the ‘big picture’ means seeing how to cover the asses of those in authority (which is, admittedly, often a very large picture).
  142. If I must bang my head on a wall, I should be tactful enough to do it out of sight and hearing of the cause thereof.
  143. Everyone thinks that they are the exception to the rule, and shattering their illusions must be done gently.
  144. Pointing out that mandated legal requirements, political necessity and the social need to employ various special groups and not necessarily the most able applicants are going to affect the level of civil service job performance will unfailingly result in accusations that you are an elitist or a racist, and probably in an EEO complaint.
  145. First thing in the morning means different things to different people, especially if they are in different time zones.
  146. If given a choice of teammates, go with Vets, they have useful skills.
  147. ...however, 'search and destroy' is not a workplace appropriate skill.
  148. Employees who have carefully cultivated low expectations in their supervisors can have a very nice, stress free, work free career.
  149. No matter what you say people will hear what they want, and you will always be quoted out of context.
  150. People on the east coast should not be expected to remember that there is a three-hour time difference between them and the west coast no matter how often they call.
  151. Never try to explain to someone in Washington, DC, that they are not at the center of the universe.
  152. In the government, the truth may put you in jail.
  153. Beware of people who copy everyone in the chain of command on emails, though you can hope they look stupid.
  154. No, someone does NOT have to ask questions.
  155. Thanking someone for giving you work to do will raise questions in their mind about your sanity.
  156. …or at least lead them to suspect you of sarcasm.
  157. The IT department is to be loved and appreciated as much as possible since they also have to deal with your coworkers- along with (other) antiquated equipment and obsolete programming.
  158. Pointing out that ‘human resources’ makes employees sound like iron ore, and ‘human capital’ makes them sound like machinery and that neither one has the simple virtue of plain old ‘personnel’ will raise suspicions that you are not on board with the management agenda.
  159. Not allowed to brag that I am not on board with the management agenda.
  160. The value of ‘pay for performance’ depends on what kind of performance you are looking for, and who is looking.
  161. Awards are given to the people who get credit for the work. By definition, they are managers.
  162. Say nothing. Ever. To anyone. They will be upset and complain.
  163. …or worse, they will be grateful and come back.


This list was inspired by the list 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army. which has appeared in various places and been sent to me in more than one E-mail. This particular list is the invention of an online friend, Elfled.
We hope you enjoy this list, and the original.




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